I guess you could call this a monthly update, but honestly I just don’t know what to write about. My birthday has come and gone and now I’m 21 and feeling a bit overwhelmed. Not by my age exactly or by growing up, more like frustrated that things aren’t happening according to my plans for my life (which might be the problem here but I’ve always been told I needed goals for my life, why are they the problem now? grrr). It feels a bit lonely too because either I just can’t explain it to people well enough or I’m really the only one feeling like this. My sister’s view is why on earth do I want to get married and have kids. My mom’s is that I’m not being proactive enough and I should be doing more, though she’s always thought this and at the moment I feel like if I do more I’ll drown. My best friend that I’ve known since kindergarten is completely oblivious, she’s still in the world where she can’t decide with which guy to flirt with, high school in my opinion, she isn’t interested at all with long term, which in a way could be a good thing. Then there is my amazing and unbelievably patient boyfriend, he comes closest to understanding by just hugging me and telling me not to worry so much, “In due time.”

I know for one the whole baby and want to be a mother thing is bothering me way too much than it should. I just keep feeling like I’m running out of time, and I wonder sometimes if it’s just how I’ve grown up. How my paternal grandmother never used birth control but couldn’t get pregnant for years until she and my grandfather were surprised with my dad in their 30’s and then again my aunt nearly another decade later. And then me growing up hearing so much about how like my grandmother I am, down to even having some mysterious hormonal imbalance. As if that weren’t enough my own mother got shocked with early menopause at around 35, so many women put things off till then because yes we are still young then, but what about me? What if I follow the same physical path?

Time, I hate it. It’s closing in on me, all the horrible mights that are looming so close and yet far still, if 35 is it, that leaves me with 14 years. 14 years to get married have some time to just be a couple and then bring kids into the equation. It doesn’t seem like enough, and now I’m wondering if this is why I always get so up front with guys and ask them if they could adopt.

And to think, I was just going to write a sentence.

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